my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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