When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
