finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
