I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
