dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
