im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
