Having a random hookup so left but love u
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
