life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
