if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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