Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
