It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
