i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
