take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
