My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize