mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You smell like stripper and shame
Banned from zoo.
Again?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
