I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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