I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
