Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
