The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
