I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
