He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize