Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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