Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
well you can't waste a boner
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
