I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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