So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize