Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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