Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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