i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
