but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I AM VODKA MAN
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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