I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Pants are for mortals
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
