he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
