how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
