What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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