My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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