My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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