I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
