Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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