I can't watch pbs sober anymore
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
