Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
should my penis look like a turkey
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize