did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
