I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
