I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
