I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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