I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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