i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
