you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
