My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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