mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you will always have a special place in my vag
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
