the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
