More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
