peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
God gave him joint rollers for hands
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
