Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Randomize
