Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
