I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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