Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
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