Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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