So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
