i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
