did you get engaged???
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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