If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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