ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
