I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
