this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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