I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
