I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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