So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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