I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
