if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
My cat gives me a boner
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
