I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
