Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
