Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
